LGBT in Gaming… (more on a rant about the lack of standard homosexual males) (And a “hello!”)

Right, well, hello there fellow Playstationers… a few of you probably already know me for loitering since the early times of Playstationer, and indeed Chillax in the ol’ days *Hipster*

I have a terrible taste in games, something a few of you know, and those who don’t will most likely find out soon enough, I’ll take retro gaming over this 7th and 8th generation doo-hickey anyday, and local multiplayer will always be better than online. The Gamecube, PS2 and PS1 are unbeatable in terms of consoles, Populous The Beginning is the best game ever made, and you are all better than me at any video game out there.

I recently… … was roped into this group of reasonably respectful people, they begged, offered cookies, and did unmentionable things to goats that I shan’t even go into… but now I’m here, I think it’s time to kick my first real … ‘article’ off with a burst of rainbow coloured explosions and fireman hats.

 So, on with this, piece… in no way is this meant to offend anyone, it shouldn’t but if it does, please do not hesitate to complain, offence is the best defence afterall…or… something…

Homosexuality is always a touchy subject… for some reason? And whilst it’s certainly had its headlines in movie, TV, music and certainly theatre it’s never really broke through in video games. Back in the 80s, you’d struggle to find an arcade cabinet where any male character wasn’t dressed head to toe in spandex and looking sharp, whilst all females were tightly covered up… now everyone is buffed up, breasts are literally punch bags (not that I’m complaining) and biker hats and leather have been eradicated.

Let’s just take a look at games since 2010 that have really pushed the completely normal view of homosexuality in the form of a protagonist;

…The relatively unknown Nintendo DS game “Glory Of Heracles” had a cross dressing lesbian as one of their protagonists… and umm… that’s about as good as you’re going to get…

Looking back this whole century and it’s not that much better;

Enchanted Arms for PS3 and 360 featured one of the main 3 ‘dudes’ as openly gay…

…Then it’s back to 2001 on PS2 with Parappa The Rapper 2, which I know sounds odd, but he certainly holds hand and kisses his male friend PJ during “Romantic Love” workout programme…  It’s a long shot as the game revolves (somehow) around trying to get your real love interest, some female to luffs you lots and lots… but regardless, something funky is going on with the dog in the hat and a slightly paedophilic looking bear.

And that’s it… There have been many games in the past 12 years which have let you have same sex relations with other characters in your party, and more lately this had turned to marriages, numerous games have had minor characters that have had backstories that reveal their sexuality, and other games have had plenty of cross dressers.

But, where’s the hero?

Where’s the guy in pink lycra .. (Or spandex for our foriegn visitors) shooting bad guys and uttering “ooh lala” with each hit?

Is the subject of homosexuality still slightly too hot and steamy for the people who play games this century that it has to result to 2 games every 10 years, and a game a year giving you the option to choose a male character, and let him make out with other male NPCs? … Which, as I know from personal experience is more for a quick laugh, than any serious impact on the games story.

Without criticizing specific religions, or politics within countries that apparently don’t think it’s a good idea to have you slaughtering people with the middle east with a guy that prefers listening to Culture Club whilst in the Humvee than ‘Eye Of The Tiger’… yet, the standard run of the mill butcho-sunglass and vest wearing, big ol’ gun toting sir swears a lot in a gravelly voice is completely a-ok?

Whilst I won’t go into stereotypes I always feel like the gay community have a better idea of fun than the mainstream masses that prefer the bog standard female sidekick who adds nothing to the gameplay except a close-up of her toosh each time a cutscene appears. I know I’d much rather play a shooter based entirely on guns shooting flowers in a hail of rainbows and glitter in a war torn part of the YMCA than ANOTHER macho-libre-esque ratatatat boom simulator we are accustomed too lately. (I’m not saying heterosexual people lack fun, I’m hetero myself-ish… just saying you don’t often see straight people skipping…)

I’m obviously not asking developers and publishers to add Julian Clarey into Afghanistan and utter “My my, what a big gun you have, I hope it doesn’t go off in my face” every now and then (Whilst that would be awesome, and he could probably use the work now-a-days) But I’m just… … querying (ironic) the notion that for some reason JRPGs are the only games that are openly adding some kind of male on male sexual fantasy in there games with another typical 13 year old boy who’s hair resembles glue and frying pans more than hair, with some other 13 year old boy with a sword arguably too large to be carried by both of Duke Nukems big ol’ arms.

That, and Rockstar and Bioware occasionally releasing something down the line where anyone can flirt with another male character for a quick fix, yet still lacking The Big Gay Al factor from the outset. I’m also rather disappointed in Indie game developers for missing this opportunity to get people on board. I’ve honestly seen enough of Lara Croft and her spandex jiggling across a cliff top, what about “Escalade & Darius in A Crack In Time” Or “Jayjay, Pierre, Pepe and Tyrone in All For One” … I apologise to Insomniac for making rather suggestive Ratchet & Clank game titles… (Ratchet and Clank themselves never sound good coming out of a flamboyant man’s mouth)

In conclusion: I request, on behalf of everyone that is missing the lead character using lines like “sweet cheeks” and “fabulous” that at least 1 game within the next 5 years has an original game brought forward that works exactly like your run of the mill game, in any chosen genre, but the protagonist uses hair spray, not hair gel.

 And I leave you with this ‘action figure’ of Duke Nukem himself… not sure what action he’d get up too, but I’d certainly keep this away from my Solid Snake figure.

Oh, honey.