With the PlayStation 4 mood in full swing now, what better way than to think back on the PS3 and some of its greatest gifts.

Personally, I feel weapons… weaponry, spells, abilities and functions go unheard of in the gaming world filled with AK-69s and the sort, so let’s raise a glass of double concentrate Ribena, sit back, and disagree with 45 of:

The Greatest Weapons on PS3

 

Spider Grenade (Resistance 2)

The plethora of weapons in the brilliant Resistance series of games have always thrown up some brilliant guns to obliterate the Chimera threat with, and whilst each have been unique, they haven’t drifted far from the same old same old we’ve seen in old-timey sci-fi shooters.

However, the spider grenade in Resistance 2 was a majorly awesome, and yet, a horribly disastrous exception to this rule. Once thrown, it starts building a Scalextric track of pain and fire out in all directions dealing an exponentially increasing amount of damage.

But it’s more of the fear it incites when thrown and the first spout starts climbing up a wall that has earned its place on this list. Too many times during the Marauder fight had I thrown a spider grenade then hid behind a wall, only to have my health start dropping as it had come back across the ceiling and the very, very warm hand of death started caressing my delectable cheeks.

Type 12 – Laser Carbine (F.E.A.R)

Well, the Type-12, and its daddy, and granddaddy in the F.E.A.R universe have always held a special place in my heart, for stripping the flesh clean off everyone that managed to flip over a table and attempt to hide behind it.

Each incarnation of the Type-12 have been slightly better than their predecessor, but the original was what really made me respect the power of the bone-a-lizer.

Creeping Darkness (The Darkness)

There are some pretty sweet powers at your disposal in The Darkness games. However, the first power you wield is by far my favourite. Not only is it a brutal way to end some lowly AIs life, but it’s pretty darn functional as well. Cascading through vents, piercing some guy through his squishy centre and flipping a switch before retracting to the blissfully unaware Jackie.

Kind of what would happen if Solid Snake entered a Bible Black club.

Malabaricus (Folklore)

Ah, Folklore. I probably could have made a list just full of you, but that would most likely offend someone, so I’ve had to choose.

And a tough decision it was, but the big ol’ fish missile fish firing fish fish, Malabaricus is the folk I have personally felt touched a chord with my heart to represent this brilliant game.

Essentially, it’s just a standard missile launcher you’d find in Duke Nukem, except, it’s a big ol fish, that shoots little baby fish guided towards the evil evil-dooer and damage wise, it packs a big ol’ fin aswell.

Critter Strike – T-Rex (Ratchet & Clank All 4 One)

This list would not be complete without a Ratchet & Clank weapon roster. But which to choose?

Well, obviously the Groovitron glove… except… it’s not obvious at all, as personally, I felt that transforming enemies into cute ikkle baby T-rexes…es…s… that eventually do your bidding for you is fantastic, and probably my favourite “Turn into an animal” weapon I’ve ever seen in any game.

Impact Hammer (Unreal Tournament 3)

YEAH! The flak cannon, the greatest weapon to grace First Person Shooters of all time.

…Or, at least it was till the Impact Hammer returned to our gaming rigs in the criminally under-played Unreal Tournament 3. Gibs and UT go hand in hand, but not so much melee weaponry. So, it took a while and a few master classes to get to grips with the mining tool, but once you’ve got a good feel on how to recreate Van Gogh’s work with a pressure gauge and someone’s internal organs, you’ll be jumping on people with your hoverboard and decorating the slow loading textures with their insides in no time.

Prosthetic Arm (Condemned 2: Bloodshot)

Condemned 2 was an excellent experience, and with it came some jolly good fun to be had with the environments weapons.

In the end, a toss-up between the prosthetic arm and the gumball machine made me go and replay the game to get some verdicts. I settled with the ironic joys of swinging the arm around in the supply warehouse slapping people with someone else’s hand. Mixed with its range and speed it was the ideal comedic weapon for keeping me from crying in the shower over the tramp onslaught.

Glaive (Dark Sector)

Ah yes, box art weaponry, always a classic.

Dark Sector on its own merits wasn’t that great, but, the glaive was another example of just how brilliant a base weapon can be with added utility, yet still being a bad guy dispenser.

…Also… the finisher moves were something special, refreshingly brutal.

Tanegashima (Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Patriots)

Again, stuck between 2 brilliant pieces of design, this time in the greatest game on PS3, Metal Gear Solid 4.

The Tanegashima, or… tornado rifle, was… … awful actually… it was just horrendous. But having it blast a tornado across the screen, obliterating all enemies in your path and showering the stage with goodies to stash away for Drebin later was just too damn fun not to use… … for the price you needed to pay to obtain it… … and only use it on… the first level?

Still, compared to the solar gun, at least you didn’t have to stand in the open and shout “Light!” to reload it. A little too Christian for me liking.

Magical Sausage (Soul Calibur 4)

Well… … pfft, why not?

I mean, out of all the comical weapons that has hit us in the Soul Calibur universe, how could I not put a giant, magical sausage on here.

I mean, like, it’s a giant magical sausage.

Giant.

Magical.

Cleavage Sausage.

Insect Swarm (Bioshock)

Bioshock is home to some pretty nifty weapon styles and of course the plasmid system.

However, the insect swarm in particular, whilst seemingly the most useless, undoubtedly the most fun and unique. I hear they once auditioned Nicholas Cage for some of the voice work.

… yeaaaaaah.

Gyro Daddy (Saints Row 2)

Yeah! Saints Row!

Obvious choice here, the big purple dildo… Gyro Daddy from Saints Row 2.

Whilst not strictly a weapon, the brutality of madly spiralling out of control skimming across the ground sapping the lives from innocent passer byes with your blades of pestilence, whilst hastily heading towards your own demise at the cruel hand of your own controls, you just can’t help but feel so giddy to be in something so cute.

Chi Firefly (Rag Doll Kung Fu: Fists of Plastic)

Rag Doll Kung Fu was a game that just oozed stupid fun… but it doesn’t mean it’s not rife with unbelievably devastating attacks.

The firefly being my favourite out of the wrist damaging chi moves. Activating the Sixaxis causes you to shoot in the direction of your opponent dealing massive amounts of damage and insta-killing them. Also, rather handy for falling off edges, Super Smash Bros style.

 

Plasma Cutter (Dead Space)

At the top of everyone’s “Best guns you earn at the start of the game” list, and for good reason. It’s a psychotic gamers wet dream, faced with the enemy that will stop at nothing to tear you limb from limb in the most gruesome fashion?

…Then why not Plasma Cutter?

Do the exact same to them, but at a safe distance.

Slap (LittleBigPlanet)

When a game has minimal ways of directly damaging an opponent, it’s always a mistake to make the move insanely overpowered.

And in LittleBigPlanet they went all out on making the slap a one hit K-O, GG NO-RE, QQ, MLG move. Something, so devastating, something so monstromentally damaging that it single handled rips the fabric of friendships apart with one foul strike is a move worth respecting.

Always respect the right stick.

Rock-It Launcher (Fallout 3)

So yeah, the fatboy was pretty hype…

But teddy bears and tin cans are slightly higher on the hypometer than mini nukes in terms of unique feel and fun output. Whilst I’m a fond activist for all things ragdoll skyward to the backdrop of a mushroom cloud, seeing a Deathclaw ragdoll skyward Team Rocket style due to the force of a fork… … yeah, I think I made my ‘point’.

…because ‘fork’ and ‘point’

Atlas Arizona (Motorstorm Pacific Rift)

Monster Trucks are mega hype.

…As are apocalyptic school busses, and in Motorstorm none are more of a threat to every other driver and/or piece of destructible scenery than the Atlas Arizona. …ok, so… their stats are all the same, but still, out of all the big rigs, a zombie fortified schoolbus gets me up the runway more than anything else whilst watching bikes get mangled underneath my treads as their riders fly helplessly over my windscreen with that look of “R1 shunt n00b”.

Ragdoll Physics (MX VS ATV Reflex)

Whilst its true your body is your greatest weapon… I don’t think it’s quite what Rainbow Studios had in mind here.

Falling off your choice of vehicle, only to cause mass mayhem as you start tweaking out on the floor and obliterate everyone else on the track with your buns of steel is a sight to see at the start of every motocross race, endorsed fully by Ricky Carmichael’s workout routine of course.

Your Voice (Tom Clancy’s EndWar)

Carrying on the ‘your body is your weapon’ theme, it even transpires through to the corporeal world. And in EndWar if you’ve got a thick farmer accent, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be killing anyone other than your poor troops under your wing trying to set charges under a conspicuous looking tree whilst the enemy pummel you from miles away with their Queens English tones of “Fire” and “Lol L2P”

Fancy Bloom (Mirrors Edge)

Weapons are generally harmful, and this in no way stops them from damaging yourself, as Mirrors Edge easily showed.

When Billy Whizzing about rooftops of future citytownpolis it’s incredibly easy to be distracted by the plethora of bloom and fancy pants shiny graphics at hand, and more times than not this will be the very last thing you seen before taking one roadrunner step too many off the edge and plummeting to your untimely, yet, ultimately satisfyingly splatty end.

Blinking (Alone In The Dark: Inferno)

From the sublime white, to the abysmal black…

There are some mechanics in games which are just plain and utterly stupid outside of the one or two times you’ll actually need them…

…and with Alone In The Dark: Inferno there were many… many useless ‘abilities’, but only one of them was more deadly than the demons you faced, and that was the fateful blink.

Trying to find where the next triffid is, then take a cheeky long blink, only to open your eyes again to some mutant punks wailing their arms in your general facial vicinity. The creepers certainly took “use your opponents weapon against them” to a whole new level.

Or you could just sit in the back of a car and close your eyes and try to forget how bad everything outside the car is? … like the graphics… and the story… and the gameplay… and the…

Barakas Blades (Mortal Kombat)

Mortal Kombat is one of my favourite fighters, right up there with BlazBlue and Guilty Gear, and just like those series, it’s because of one special fighter. In Mortal Kombats case… Baraka.

Yes, Scorpions kunai is the leading prop in the series, but Barakas blades are unlike the majority of fisticuffs the rest of the cast throw around, are his main form of damage dealing, and as such, do so.

The blades of Baraka have been in all incarnations of him, and with his PS3 games, they have just proved just as deadly, whilst looking slightly more polished, much like Wolverine is getting.

And once he’s done beating up Kitana and Sonya, back to the Presidency of the United States. /Joke

Bionic Arm (Bionic Commando)

I’m still debating whether this is a weapon… a gadget … or just a mega hype fairground grabber. Either way, its ability to be a brilliant weapon in the Bionic Commando reboot is unmatched.

Essentially, to operate, you grab item A, and launch into item B, item A ranging from yourself, to a tram, to the enemy, and more often than not item B is also an enemy. Whilst the arm has a horrendous tendency to be the most frustrating Spiderman impersonation device, it’s the power of gravity where it really shines.

RC Bomb Car (RAGE)

Remote controlled cars are mega super wicked cool, you know what else is mad hot? Explosives.

So, what better way to show off how destructive the two together can be than in another post-apocalyptic world? Driving around all stealthy through Clementine sized holes and knocking into someone’s feet should be painful enough. But… to really add salt into the wounds, it then detonates sending childish laughter in a raging inferno into the immediate vicinity.

Singularity Bomb (Red Faction: Guerrilla)

One of the weapons I’d easily put in the top 5 weapons in video games, of all time.

It’s no lie that the sledgehammer was brilliant at what it did, but the singularity bomb in the brilliant Red Faction: Guerrilla also gave us comedic brilliance. Seeing every AI or human opponent in online matches near it get thrown around before succumbing to its black hole goodness and exploding with the rest of the debris is something I still have the greatest of dreams about.

It also made a very handy wall exterminator.

Inflatable Scouser (Worms: Ultimate Mayhem)

So, yeah, it’s like, this big… inflatable scouser… that waddles around, picks up a worm, and floats him into the afterlife.

…Or, if you’re particularly more skilful than me, move your own worms about. In essence, out of all the array of weapons Worms has given us on the PS3, it could have been… any of them, from the humble Sheep, to the Buffalo Of Lies and Old Lady, but the inflatable scouser gets my love, just for the pure fact, in the right situation, … it’s still useless actually.

But still holds a little bit of hilarity in there.

David Hasslehoff (PAIN)

Technically more ammo than a weapon, but its Spongebob Squarepants actor extraordinaire, The Hoff. What more proof could you possibly need? Signature moves, and signature destruction of walls all rolled into one.

Spirit Form (Mini Ninjas)

Another funky ‘change to animal’ weapon now…

…Except, you use it on yourself to turn into a chicken? … or… a freaking bear.

Because bears are super cool and are apparently very effective at taking down large swathes of ye olde Japanese enemies by using Rollout.

Prince’s Balls (Katamari Forever)

Katamari is a strange series of games, but, there’s no denying the fact that destroying solar systems with a ball made up primarily of phone boxes, whales and old ladies is quite the experience.

I Like To Move It (Madagascar Kartz)

Of course there was going to be at least one kart racer on here… whether it was one anyone else played was another question entirely.

However, the whole field sent into a dancing trance with a big ol’ disco ball above to the sound of I Like To Move It is just brilliant.

…It almost makes up for the rest of the game…

Almost.

Irish Gravity (The Saboteur)

There were apparently weapons in the criminally under rated The Saboteur, however, I can only seem to remember climbing up every tower, and throwing the Nazi pigdogs over the rails onto any wall, oncoming car, Nazi brethren or sweet old French lady growing cabbages trying to get by I could find down below.

…or just throwing nuns into them on ground level was also damn fine entertainment.

Grappling Hook (Just Cause 2)

The grappling hook was a life saver on many occasions in Just Cause 2. However, it was certainly a death bringer on even more occasions.

Or, it certainly played a large part in the bringing of despair. With a tank attached to a plane and flying low enough to use it as a large wrecking ball was only possible with the help of a dandy piece of exceptionally structural integral heavy duty wire.

Shadow (Dead To Rights: Retribution)

You know what’s more dangerous than a plane hurtling towards you, an angry angry pooch.

Well maybe it the pooch was piloting it anyway.

However Shadow of Dead to Rights fame is exactly that… and more. His aim for the crotchal region is second to none and will easily grant any willing patient a sharp and painful prostate exam for free, in return for their ragdoll corpse fun.

Tricycle (Dead Rising 2)

A weapon list would never be the same without a Dead Rising weapon… except, this might be one of the more obscure choices.

Usually modded weapons are of the highest calibre in a zombie apocalypse, however, a little girls tricycle proved even more substantial at destroying the cascading army of the dead, whilst keeping all dignity completely intact at the same time.

Time Manipulation Device (Singularity)

Singularity is one of the games that is under rated, yet I can see why.

However, it did hold lots of fun with its creative weaponry. From the Angelina Jolie Seeker Rifle, to the TMD itself, there was plenty of giblets to be gibbed. The TMD not only was  a useful puzzle solver, but it could age enemies quicker than watching an episode of EastEnders, or could just turn standard humans into mutants, for you to then throw wooden crates at. No one said it was the most efficient way of doing it.

Kick (Two Worlds 2)

Two Worlds 2 was a game of many generic fantasy weapons, generic characters, generic story, generic setting, and lots of generic fun. … But, the kick, my lord it was powerful. Suited and booted… in armour, and finding the nearest pack… herd… school of ostriches to kick into an early grave was practically a side quest early on.

It’s from that moment forward I kept my friends close, but my enemies closer, to my GodFoot.

Internet Connection (MindJack)

So… MindJack. The game no one wants to remember, luckily, no one does.

Just owning an internet connection practically gave the privilege of being the most powerful troll in the world. Just find an innocent players game, jump in, wait for them to be the least suspicious then take control of a robot monkey and ambush them before they quit in a fit of rage.

Having the ability to make other players restart their games, it’s like playing CoD… without having to actually play CoD.

The Boner (Shadows Of The Damned)

…Because punny.

But, no the gun, was also an incredible instrument of death, in both execution, and design. It not only gave the player a sense of punishment, but enjoyment.

…Who am I kidding, it’s in because it’s a phallus.

Tesla Gabriels Sledgehammer (Dead Island)

I could have almost made this list from weapons in Dead Island.

M.C was close, Italian Plumber almost made it in, Master Chef was a good choice and Zeds Demise and the Pick Of Destiny were near.

However, in the end, just because the Tesla modification on top of Gabriels Sledghammer gives pop culture an absolute shocking sensation when it causes thug zombies to ragdoll straight out of camera with one hit has been an absolute God send.

Super Boost (Super Sonic Acrobatic Rocket-Powered Battle Cars)

Super sonic blah blah cars is easily the most under rated PS3 exclusive out there, and it’s probably because it contains the over powered super boost ability capable of destroying the whole opposing team in 3 seconds flat, then scoring a masterful barrel rolled goal.

I’d like to see Messi do THAT!

Here’s to SSCRPBC 2 on PS4.

‘Noob Fashion’ (Playstation Home)

Ah, Home. How… I… don’t even.

However, a black vest, baggy jeans and the most Tom Cruise of shades will quickly grant you access to whatever space you’re wearing it in, all to yourself.

Throw in a “Where Are You From?” as well for good measure and watch them dissipate. Room clear in one outfit and phrase, OP as I understand.

Devil Horns (Dead Space 3)

Dead Space 3 was a terrible idea from the get go, but what made it on par with the excellent original? The Devil Horns.

Some big ol’ foam hands and one headbang to reload later, then viola, you how an incredibly metal (literally/figuratively) weapon capable of destroying every necromorph and gun toting bad guy in your way.

 

Portal Gun (Portal) –From Playstationer Dianne

The portal gun is an extreme case of awesome.

Two incarnations later and it’s still one of the most memorable items to grace the PS3 since. The companion cube goes hand in hand with knocking some sense into the Aperture Science droids.

Or… you know, just creating one above you, one below and falling for eternity, don’t pretend like you haven’t done it.

Gunblade (Final Fantasy VIII) – From Playstationers Patrick & Francis

I’ve personally never played a Final Fantasy game, but this doesn’t mean I’m not partial to a bit of gunblade action.

And the release of Final Fantasy… … …4…5…9… 8… Final Fantasy 8 on PS3 was a nostalgic explosion for many fans. The Lion Heart in particular is not only damn powerful, it’s also one of the sexiest weapons in the Final Fantasy universe, that blue sheen is a harbinger of death… … and fabulous swag.

Steel Chair (That Wrestling Game) – From Playstationer Josh

Whilst white plastic garden chairs are the bane of us mere mortals existence, steel chairs hit even harder in any of the following: “WWE: Year” “WWE: All Stars” “Lucha Libre: Jack Black Edition” “Legends of Wrestlemania”

There is nothing else to say apart from steel chairs are the integral DNA that holds wrestling games together, if it wasn’t them then the whole genre would collapse on itself in a fit of terrible acting and hilarious backstage stories. (And occasional well developed females with a hatred for long hair)

Side Scrolling Space Monster Traversing Ship (PixelJunk Shooter) – From Playstationer Alex

The subterranean ship in the greatest PixelJunk series Shooter is quite the bargain, not only can it control liquid elements, it’s pretty darn nimble… in the right hands and packs quite a destructive punch.

Its power in weaponry is only matched by its adorable aesthetics, and world saving capabilities.

And there it is the most, non-definitive list of non-weapon weapons that have graced the PS3 to date. There are plenty more games out there that can easily hold their damage dealers high into the sky as a shining beacon of digital self-defence… (Namely a bunch of JRPGs like Agarest) or butt blood expulsion from Prototype. Here’s to the next few years of third generation Playstation giving us more great weapons. And also to the Playstation 4 giving us plenty of awesome moments in weaponry we can quite literally share with the world… yes I’m looking at you Dying Light.